I remember the excitement and joy I felt every time the number on the scale went down. The feelings of elation and pride, lasted all but 5 minutes. I chased that high for many, many years.

I kept going and going until the scale read 65lbs less than when I started. Eventually, I felt that sense of pride and dignity start to slip away. When would I actually feel comfortable in my own skin permanently? When would it be enough? When would I be enough? 

I would stand in front of the mirror in my new, much lighter body, grab the extra skin on my stomach and think, “I am disgusting. My stomach is still so gross. These stretch marks will never go away. I’ve ruined my body.” 

The shame I felt was so deep and painful, that it would completely consume me. I felt absolutely worthless. Like no matter what I did, my stomach would never be flat and stretch mark-free. Therefore, I was fat & unattractive (just like my ex-husband said).

I focused on my flaws for so many years. Self-loathing consumed so much of my energy throughout the day. If I ate this or that … would that make my body look the way I wanted to? If I went to the gym 2x a day and just worked harder, would I finally be “good enough”? 

Good enough for what exactly? Good enough to be desired. Good enough to be worthy of love and acceptance (by a man especially). I didn’t know it yet, but since I was a young girl I had been receiving messages about what a healthy, sexy, and attractive body looks like. Which was usually tall, (but not too tall), white (but not too white), thin (but not too thin), firm (but not too muscular), curvy (but only in the right places), and unfortunately I was unlucky enough to score a big fat zero in every category. I was none of those things.  

It wasn’t until I had a fight with my ex-husband about my weight one evening that I finally said to myself NO MORE!!! That night, he stormed into the spare bedroom where I was sleeping, flicked on the lights, pointed a finger at me, and proclaimed, “You are fat and unattractive!” Those five words changed my life forever. My journey to self-love and confidence started that very night. I left a toxic relationship and started journaling just to vent, but what I ended up doing was building my self-awareness. Slowly but surely, as I changed the way I thought about myself, confidence started radiating from me. 

So much so that other people would ask me what I was doing to be confident and love my body so much. The answer was simple, but not easy. 

I got aware of how I was talking to myself and I changed it. 

I put in the work to take care of myself and my body because I loved my body. Not because I hated it, or wanted to change it because it “wasn’t good enough”

I started to learn that my body was a good body, even if it didn’t look the way society told me it should. 

I started valuing myself beyond my body. 

I stopped people-pleasing and started saying no more often. I started setting healthy boundaries. 

I started speaking my truth. Showing up boldly and authentically. Protesting against body shaming and speaking for body love. 

This is my mission today, to help as many women as possible to feel comfortable and confident in their own skin. To free themselves from unrealistic and ever-changing beauty standards and start redefining beauty for themselves. To know how to love and validate themselves from the inside out, so they can be the badass confident woman they’ve always wanted to be. 

The truth is that creating confidence is simple but not necessarily easy. It takes having not only the knowledge but also a mentor and community to support you on the journey. I have incorporated all three of these elements into the Body Bliss Virtual Retreat. The next one is Dec 4!

If you have questions for Kayla, in relation to her story or yours…please comment below!

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